


That’s All I Wanna Do

by exopoliticians



Category: Blur (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drinking, I should’ve titled this “me projecting onto Graham and making him suffer” tbh, M/M, Unrequited Crush, he’s just not having a good time, oh forgot to mention they’re like idk 25/26? i didn’t really.. give it much thought
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-11 21:56:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19118470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exopoliticians/pseuds/exopoliticians
Summary: Graham loves Damon, and it’s slowly killing him inside.





	That’s All I Wanna Do

**Author's Note:**

> this came about after i found out graham had a solo career of his own, and then spent a good few hours dissecting the lyrics to his songs. then i thought “hey, why not imagine that he wrote this about damon?” lyrics in the fic are from the song of the same name  
> i apologize in advance for this angst fest being my first blur fic

_ I saw you today _

_ You were too far away _

_ It'd hurt me to say _

_ Hurt me to say, the words _

_ The words I have to say _

 

Graham loved Damon. It was a fact much like how the sky was blue. Damon, however, did not love Graham. Or he didn’t to Graham’s knowledge. If there was any interest, Damon never showed it outwardly. Why would he? He was surrounded by people better than looking than Graham. It was easy to fall in love with anyone else. And yet, Graham still loved him. He had always adored him, right from the very start. Ever since they were kids, he had been enraptured by Damon’s charm. No one could ever compare to him.

But Graham had to come clean about this sometime. It was eating away at him slowly, and he wasn’t sure how much more he could take of this.

_ There ain't no sound _

_ When you're not around _

_ And it gets me down _

_ Yeah it gets me down _

_ My life feels so brown _

Damon, as always, was the loudest person at the bar. He had one too many drinks, so there was absolutely no filter on him. Graham smiled to himself. As long as Damon was having a good time, he would be happy. Even if the blond was yelling about fuck all.

“...an’, an’ another thing,” he rambled. “Another thing…”

He gazed at Graham with the largest smile. Damon threw his arm around his shoulders with such force that Graham nearly choked on his drink in surprise. The people who Damon was talking to didn’t seem too interested in what he had to say anymore, but he never cared. He would talk himself to death any chance he got.

“Another thing is...is that Graham is the _best_ guitarist I know! He’s got the voice of an angel too. His solo work is reeaalll good.”

Graham was sure glad the bar was dimly lit as he felt heat creep up his neck. “Damon-”

“Shhh, don’t deny it,” Damon said, pressing a finger to Graham’s lips. “You’re a fucking _angel_. And I’m so lucky to know you.”

Graham pushed Damon’s hand away and downed the rest of his drink. He set the bottle on the bar itself and stood up, pretending that he didn’t see the hurt look on Damon’s face. He had to get out of here before Damon did something that he’d regret. That’s what Graham told himself, it was more likely for _him_ to do something he would regret.

Damon whined softly. “Gra, where are you goin’?”

Graham removed his glasses to wipe off his face. He hated lying to Damon, but he couldn’t be around him any longer. With the way he was acting, it would be far too easy to just outright confess to him. “Home. I’m tired,” he said, not tired at all. “Don’t die and make sure you get back to your place safely. If you need anything, call Dave or Alex.”

He ignored Damon’s protesting and just up and left the bar. He shivered. It was a lot colder than he remembered. Drunk walks home were never the same without Damon. It left Graham too much time to think. Thinking too much was never a good thing. Especially with him.

_i could’ve made a move...no, no, don’t be daft. there were too many people. but...but still. i could’ve mentioned something, maybe invited him to stay the night? but no, i just had to leave because i’m a coward who can’t face his fucking feelings_

Graham stopped in the middle of the sidewalk to clean off his glasses. They were blurry from the crying he had been doing. Not that anyone would hear it. He had gotten awfully good at being quiet.

Pitiful. That’s what he was. Absolutely pitiful. He couldn’t even be in the same room as Damon for too long without the longing feeling coming back. It was too much. Maybe he should’ve drank more back at the bar. He would’ve been numb at least.

_ I just want to be with you _

_ That's all I wanna do _

_ I just want to be with you _

_ That's all I wanna do _

It took him twenty minutes to get home. Graham had half expected Damon to try and stop him on his way there. But of course, his hopes were too high. Damon had probably forgotten all about him and was probably on his way to some girl’s flat. It was stupid to think he could ever be with him. Stupid, stupid, _stupid._

Graham removed his shoes and made a direct beeline to the fridge. His bottle of cheap, shitty vodka would have to suffice for now. He never felt bad when he was bordering on being blackout drunk. Things were just better that way. He took a large swig and headed towards his bedroom. Things would be fine. Everything would be fine.

_ Inside my brain _

_ It's just not the same _

_ Cus it's started to rain _

_ It's started to rain _

There was a knock at the door. Graham checked the clock. It was half past four in the morning. He hadn’t slept at all in that time. He had, however, finished the vodka bottle and dissociated for a straight hour. His coping mechanisms weren’t healthy, but they worked. He sighed. He knew he should just ignore the knocks. He knew who was outside.

But Graham was weak. He always caved when it came to Damon. He sat up, and slowly but surely walked to the front door. He sighed. He didn’t bother putting his glasses on, and he was sure that he looked like a hot mess. Whatever. If Damon wanted to see him at four in the fucking morning, he would deal with the version of Graham that came with it.

Graham opened the door. “What?”

Damon looked a bit worse for wear. His hair was mussed up and his clothes looked like he had thrown them on minutes before.

“I’m staying with you,” Damon said as he tried to force himself inside. “Don’t be an asshole about it.”

Any other time, Graham would’ve allowed this. But not tonight. He couldn’t handle it. “Damon, stop. It’s fucking four in the morning.”

Damon frowned. “So?”

“ _So,_ you should’ve found someplace else to stay rather than barge in here,” Graham snapped. “Honestly…”

Damon scoffed. Great, they were going to fight. Graham just knew it. “I should’ve found someplace else to stay? Do you fucking hear yourself? You’re my best mate, we’ve been friends ever since we were fucking kids. Do you know how many goddamn times I’ve let you do this?”

Graham bit the inside of his cheek. Damon had a point. But unlike all of those times, he was feeling alright. He just felt like fucking shit now. “Y’know what? Yes, I have done that before. And yes, maybe it makes me a fucking hypocrite, but you could’ve stayed with anyone else! I…” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Out. Get out, Damon. Go to Alex’s. Or Dave’s. Someone who isn’t me.”

“What the fuck has gotten into you tonight?” Damon asked. “First you just fucking _leave_ me at the bar, then you _ignore_ my calls. And yeah, okay, you told me to call the others if I needed something, but I was worried-”

“Shut up! God, I already feel bad enough as it is. For the love of christ, shut up…”

Graham’s vision was blurrier than before. He turned around, wiping at his face. Damon couldn’t see him crying over something as dumb as this.

A hand was on his back. Graham’s heart fluttered. The gesture was so simple, and yet so sweet. _no no no no no, this is not the time this is definitely_ not the time

“Are you crying?”

Graham sniffled. “Told you I felt like shit. It’s whatever.” He shrugged. “I’m fine.”

“Gra…”

“I mean, if you knew why I was crying, you wouldn’t feel bad about me,” Graham continued. He laughed, but it lacked the usual warmth. “After all, I’m just a fucking faggot. Why would you care about me then, huh?”

Damon said nothing for a moment. He walked around to the front of him and looked into his eyes. “You’re gay?” he asked, almost tentatively.

It was time for Graham to make what was probably going to be the worst decision of his life. “It’s about time you figured it out. Surprised you didn’t before with all of my staring.”

“Wh...what?”

“Yeah, you heard me. All of the times I’ve been spacing out, and I just so happen to be looking your way? I’ve been thinking of you a lot lately.”

Graham couldn’t care less about the consequences of his actions right now. Once he started, he couldn’t stop. “That’s what was up with me tonight. Because you were fucking pissed up, and I sure didn’t want to give away my big secret to you. Which, by the way, it’s that I’m in love with you. Have been for awhile. There goes my entire plan of keeping that with me until I die! But it doesn’t matter.” Graham laughed. “You’d never be in love with someone like me, now would you? It’s all because I’m me. Simple, boring, _depressed_ me. No one would love me. But here I am, with a huge fucking crush on my best mate that’s lasted for God knows how long. And I can only admit it in the middle of a fucking breakdown-”

“Enough.”

The single word was enough to make Graham shatter. Of course he hadn’t been thinking of how Damon must feel. But that told him everything he needed to know. Absolutely everything. He searched Damon’s face for some kind of tell. Some sort of emotion, _anything._

“Maybe I should’ve just went to Alex’s,” Damon sighed. “I need time to think.”

Graham didn’t register what Damon said at all. “What?”

“I said I need to think.” Damon rubbed his eyes. He looked absolutely exhausted. “I’ll crash on the couch, just...just leave me alone for the rest of the night.”

_fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck_

“Yeah, okay,” Graham mumbled. “I’m sorry. Really, I am.”

Damon didn’t reply. Somehow that made it even worse for Graham. Outright rejection would’ve been easier to handle than the uncertainty of silence. But he would have to deal with it. He always did. If Damon wanted him out of the band because of this, so be it. He had his solo career to work on anyways.

“Goodnight,” Graham said. _why do you keep saying things? he’s not going to say shit back you fucking twat_

“Yeah. Night.”

Graham should’ve been relieved. A reply was what he wanted after all. But Damon sounded disappointed. Or angry. Or...or whatever. Graham was too busy throwing himself a pity party to even try to decipher what tone Damon was using. He went back into his room and shut the door. As he was laying in bed, he wished he had more alcohol. One bottle of vodka was never enough.

_I just want to be with you_

_That's all I wanna do_

Damon was gone. It was quarter to eleven, and Damon was nowhere to be seen. No note. No nothing. Just the silence and the realization that there was no recovering from last night. Graham smoked a whole pack of cigarettes that morning instead of eating.

Oh, how he wished Damon would call. He wanted to know what the product of all of his thinking was. He probably wasn’t happy. Hell, Graham was sure he was going to be replaced. But it was all silence. Maybe it was a good thing that all of the music on the album was already recorded. Graham didn’t have to leave his house, so he could just waste away without anyone knowing. It was about time that happened anyways. There was never the comfort certainty in his life. There was only the pain of “maybe”. Maybe Damon could’ve been his. Maybe they could’ve been happy. Maybe Graham could’ve been loved.

 

_I just want to be with you_

_That's all I wanna do_


End file.
